The Overcoat

The start of November marks more than just the end of Halloween and the start of the Christmas rush. It brings with it All Souls’ Day, a Catholic celebration of all the souls’ that have departed from this world. We light candles, visit the graves of loved ones, and pray that all those we can no longer physically hold in this life have somehow gone on to the next. What is a soul? Growing up, the concept confused, and even frightened me. How can the day come where we don’t exist here, but yet continue to live on?

It wasn’t until I was 24 years old that I finally understood. After a long battle with cancer, and years spent travelling back and forth from hospitals, my father wanted nothing more than to close his eyes for the last time in the comfort of his own home. Our immediate family took up vigil in the living room where he lay, and shortly before midnight on March 12, we witnessed his final departure.

I knew right away it had happened. I can’t tell you exactly what was different. All I know is that one moment I could see my father, and in the next instant he was gone. He didn’t look anything like the man who had raised me. I didn’t have to listen for his breath or check for his heartbeat to know he wasn’t there.

In my alltime favorite book, the main character’s grandfather tells her that when he dies, not to cry for him. The body he’ll leave behind is nothing more than a shucked off overcoat, and he’ll simply light his pipe and sit down outside heaven’s gate to wait for her…. an analogy that stuck with me. Most of us have seen the overcoat of a loved one. Layed out in formal wear, and surrounded by tokens and trinkets, they rarely resemble the person they once were. We chalk it up to the heavy makeup, to the trauma of their death… but the reality is they don’t look like themselves because they’re not there.  We’re only saying goodbye to the physical form, not to the person we know. Not to the person we love.

I may never again grasp my father’s enourmous hands, or marvel at how wide his smile is, but when the time comes for us to meet again, I know I’ll recognize that soul I so desperately miss.