The Zuf Truth

Security blankets, both proverbial and literal, are a pretty standard staple in the life of a child.  I, however,  didn’t drag around a fleece throw, a favorite stuffed animal, or even a beloved doll. No… I was born with my security blanket waiting in the next room for me.  A living, breathing, fully functioning organism known as my brother.

Two and half years older than me, it seemed my brother had a working knowledge of the world that I could never quite catch up with. I could be convinced to participate in nearly any activity as long as I knew he would be there. Piano lessons? Swim class? Sure!  Alter serving? As long as he walked down the aisle first! Even birthday parties were too frightening to attend without him.  Growing older, of course, changed the ways in which he “protected” me. Any guy that looked at me sideways risked getting smacked. His ‘hands off’ policy definitely helped keep me single longer than I’d like to admit.

Not to say we didn’t have our typical, “sleep with one eye open” brother and sister moments. I can’t even count the number of times he faked dead or injured just to hear me scream or tickled me to the point of tears… but through it all, he was my safety net.

When I was twelve years I watched an awful, low budget horror movie that resulted in seemingly endless nights of insomnia and a still very real fear of whistling. True to form, I managed to convince my brother to let me crash on his bedroom floor so that I could finally get a good nights sleep. Sandwiched between my brothers desk and his bed in a sleeping bag with various other fluffy blankets and pillows surrounding me, I never felt safer.  Coincidentally, during this time, my mother was going through her own nightmare ; a breast cancer scare that had the whole family questioning our future together.  I can remember laying on that floor and whispering up to my brother a question I was too scared to ask my parents,

 ” What’s going to happen to Mom”?   

” Nothing… I won’t let it” came his response.

 False bravado or not, I drifted off to sleep with my mind at ease and the question never to be asked again.

 I may be an adult now. I may be married and entirely self sufficient. Hell, I may even attend birthday parties on my own….but I’ll never stop needing my security blanket. He may be on the other side of the country and I may not have seen him in the last year in a half… but when I close my eyes at night I know that there’s someone out there who would stop at nothing to ensure I’m ok….and THAT, that makes a girl feel pretty damn safe!

I’m sorry…

For the all the promises I made that I knew I couldn’t keep

For the times I said I did my best when I hadn’t

For wanting to be anywhere but with you

 

I’m sorry…

For every time I said you were ugly

For all the ways I put you down

For the mornings where I faced you and said you would never be good enough

 

I apologize to you; my teenage self…

It was you who taught me humility

It was you who gave me courage

and it was you who paved my path

 

We apologize when the words we say hurt those around us, but so often forget to turn a little kindness inwards. In light of the fact that not a person out there has ever judged me as harshly as I have myself, I figured I owe myself this apology.

 

When did I change from wanting to make the world a better a place to wanting to be on top of it? From thinking that one day I would be saving lives to attempting to ruin them?  Have I become a bad person or did I just grow up ? Whatever the reason, I want to find that girl again. The one who thinks that the world is a safe place to live in. The child who knows her parents will always take care of her. The teenager waiting for her great love. The young woman who’s sure she’ll be a writer. This blog is my attempt to find myself again…to get back to the person I always thought I would be. It may be a journey  I need to take alone but I’m willing to share it with those who would like to listen.

Why do we blow out birthday candles? It strikes me as odd that I’ve never even given it any thought. Every September I huff and I puff and make my wish and  then sit back and hope for the best without pausing to consider where this all began.

After looking into it and reading various possible origins and traditions from around the world, I’ve come to one conclusion… we don’t have a clue.

As a kid I actually dreaded the big moment. Mid-party my mother or father would sneak away to grab the cake and then suddenly appear in the doorway holding it proudly and belting ” Happpppyyyy birthhhhdayyyyy to you..” at the top of the lungs waiting for others to inevitably join in. Don’t get me wrong… I LOVE cake, but having the attention of absolutely everyone in the room highlighted just how painfully shy I was.  Rather than focus on the people around me, I’d keep my gaze fixated on the beautiful flickering of the candles and wait for the appropriate moment to snuff them out.

Each candle represents more than just another year, they’re little beacons of triumph. We’ve survived yet another year of life in tact, and we’re still surrounded by loved ones who want to celebrate that.  As the number of the candles on the cake increases, grin and blow them out proudly. You’ve earned them!

If my father were still alive today, I would be lighting 63 candles on his cake. While I don’t get the chance to do that, I do have the good fortune of having countless memories and reasons to celebrate who he was. I still feel the urge to call him when I need to get across town in a snow storm, remembering how he’d bravely set out in any weather to get me where I needed to be without question.  I can’t help but choke slightly on relaying a job well done in school or work, knowing that there’s one more person I really want to tell. So, I’ve learned to adjust. Instead of calling my father for a ride, as I put my key in the ignition I silently pray that he’ll help get me where I need to be… and when I want to tell him something ? I do just that. Even though I don’t hear his response , I know what he’d say and it somehow makes it a little easier…

That being said, happy birthday to a father I love, a father I miss, and a father who still helps get me through every birthday candle.

Monday mornings can be a difficult time to face the world…especially on cold winter days like today.

Keeping in mind that we’re all hoping to survive countless of these days, I figured it may help to list out five wonderful moments that happen each and every day I decide to haul myself out of bed. Yours may be entirely different but I bet if you really think about it, you’ll have no trouble coming up with your own highlights.

1) A teaspoon of sugar….  or in my case – a teaspoon of Nutella.  This little bit of heaven that I pop in my mouth each morning sets me out on the right foot . I’ve been relying on Nutella as my breakfast of choice since I was 2 years old and I’ve yet to tire of its perfect combination of chocolate and hazelnut.

2) My morning weather report…  Rain or shine, LITERALLY, my mother never fails to text me the daily weather report. Those few little lines on my cell phone screen serve to remind me not only to bundle up, but that someone out there cares enough to prepare me for what’s to come!

3) First sip of coffee… I purposely wait until I arrive at work before having my first cup of coffee. It helps ease the transition from the comfortable calm of home to the chaos of the office. Focusing on the liquid gold in my mug somehow counteracts the dread of opening my slew of emails.

4) Welcome home kisses… Nothing quite compares to a 90 pound german shepherd flying down the stairs and laying a kiss on you when you arrive home from work. I like to think that moment makes his top 5 of the day too!

5) Crawling into bed… The day may be long and often tedious but it’s undoubtedly rewarding to know you worked hard enough to be exhausted when it finally ends.

Then it’s off to dreamland for a blissful 7 hours of sleep before this lucky girls get to repeat these five miraculous moments all over again 🙂

Why do bad things happen to good people? It’s an age old question that seems to have gone unanswered generation after generation. Bad things don’t just happen to good people. They happen to the BEST people. They happen to our most dependable, our smartest, our sweetest … But why?

What do these people have that the “bad” don’t? That answer is simple. They have us. They have the support of every single life they’ve touched by being the best. So when they hurt and when they suffer “the best” have us to wipe their tears, to hold their hands and to send thousands of prayers into the heavens in hopes that they’ll find relief. In times where those prayers are answered, we find a new appreciation for “the best”. We never again fail to recognize the warmth of their smile or sincerity of their words.

 In times where it seems we’ve lost them…. well those are the times where a true testament to the depth of their goodness occurs. We cry for them , we mourn for them , we remember them and then we become better for them. Every life they touched takes up the torch of what it means to be the best and carries it with them… and in doing so the world we feared had lost some of its goodness is in fact showered with it.

Luckily, for most of us, the closest we’ll ever come to a near death experience is New Year’s Eve. All things considered, the two occurrences have freakishly similar qualities.

1)      The Past: It’s been said that when faced with death, your entire life flashes before your eyes in a matter of seconds. The same instance occurs every January 1^st with the hollering of,” Happy New Year”. Amidst the frenzy of hugs and kisses, the ghosts of every year past seem to fill the room with their presence and force you to ask yourself, “What have I done with my life”?

2)      The Present: It matters who we’re with in that moment. When it comes to our final moment on earth, we’ve all given it thought. Alone? Our significant other? Our best friend? Our parent? Who do we absolutely need to say our goodbyes to? The same sentiment applies to ringing in a new year.  The saying goes that whoever you spend New Year’s Eve with will be the people/person you spend the entire year with. I’ve always weighed that thought heavily when making plans for the big night.

3)      The Future: “Do we have one”? That same thought rushes to mind in both scenarios. One perhaps more metaphorically than the other, but still gravely considered.  It’s for this very reason that New Year’s resolutions exist. Despite their high failure rate, we continue to make them each year. The hope they offer gives us the courage to face the New Year and all the inner demons that have been brought to the forefront that night.

So there you have it….There’s nothing quite like a giant shimmering orb dropping from the sky to make you consider your past, your present and your future. As the countdown winds down, I don’t want to be faced with any regrets or fears….so instead I’ll start now. I’m going to use the next 23 days to figure it all out. I’ll consider my career path, nurture my relationships, plan the year ahead,and hell…maybe even work out!

What is the most beautiful thing you’ve ever seen?

American Beauty brought us the great “plastic bag” moment of perfection that opened the eyes of movie goers everywhere. Have you had your moment yet? Beauty is truly in the eye of the beholder but what does it does it say about us? Are we shallow if the most beautiful thing we’ve ever seen is a person? Are we adventurous if it’s a landscape? Intelligent if it’s architecture? Sentimental if it’s a sunset?

The most beautiful thing I’ve ever seen is Jasper, Alberta. My fiancé and I had gone out west to visit my older brother for a week and we made the trek from the tiny town he lives in to the mountains of Jasper. It was October and the air was just cool enough to need a warm jacket. The sky was a dazzling shade of blue and the mountain side was etched perfectly against its backdrop. Nestled at the base of the mountain was an elementary school. Oblivious to the onlookers, children ran every which way, laughing and playing and enjoying their recess. A woman jogged by with her dog, heading up into the trails at a leisurely pace. Everything about the scene was perfect…. but it was beautiful for so many reasons other than the breathtaking view. In that moment I was aware of only the good things in my life.  I felt the fresh air moving through my lungs and filling me with the hope that if my father were to breathe this air he would win his battle with cancer. I felt the stability and protection of my brother, always stronger than me and always my defender. I felt the joy of the children playing and smiled at the thought of days passed….and finally, I looked at my fiancé and felt the warmth of a certain future. My world has changed in the five years that have passed since that day, but every time I look back on it I experience those feelings all over again.

So, yes…beauty is truly in the eye of the beholder, or perhaps more accurately, in their heart.

I love the holidays… all of them really. Christmas, Thanksgiving, Easter… even Valentine’s Day.  In growing from a child to an adult the reasons behind why I enjoy these occasions have all shifted…. All but one… HALLOWEEN.

Christmas as a child meant a visit from Santa and presents. These days my feelings towards Christmas are far more nostalgic.  Listening to the choir sing, “O Holy Night” makes my eyes fill up and all I really want to find under the Christmas tree in the morning is my family.  Valentine’s Day used to signify a celebration of friendship with my entire class. I would happily select my card theme each year and with the pure abandonment of a child who doesn’t see a thing wrong with the world, sign every single card with “ Love”. Regardless of its gimmicky nature, I still do love Valentine’s Day. Now it’s an excuse to make a delicious home-cooked meal with my husband and eat far too much chocolate.

Halloween, however, hasn’t changed for me one bit. I was never the type of girl to want to dress up as anything I could ever possibly grow up to be. The children dressed up as brides, doctors, firefighters, policemen….. utterly confused me. Why wear a uniform you could very well spend the rest of your life wearing!? For me, Halloween was and is still a chance to dress up as something I don’t stand a chance at being. Despite my own conviction that if Prince Harry were to meet me he’d fall madly in love with me, I did always assume that dressing up as a princess would be the closest I’d ever come to that dream. I want my chance to be a kitten… a mermaid…a Barbie doll… a Greek goddess…Princess Leia. Lord knows I’m not magically going to wake up as one of these things tomorrow… but once a year all that changes!  We get to decide what or who we want to be, and not a soul can tell us otherwise.

This week started with my 29^th birthday….. It was met with mixed emotions. Part of me worried that I would spend the next year dreading my 30^th. Part of me thought I look too young to worry about a birthday. Part of me even thought, “I’ve got my shit together for my age”…. and a big part of me thought, “I wish I were 20”.

My week ended with my being denied a job I really wanted…. Suddenly the fact that another year of my life has passed seems insanely painful. My “first world problem” may seem trivial to many or even all of you. All I can say is that I promise you I’ve been dealt my share of true struggle over the past 29 years. No, this doesn’t come close to those things… But at the end of the day, I really wanted something and I didn’t get it. So, just for today, let me wallow in it. Let it be ok that I find it hard to smile. Let it be ok that I don’t want to talk about it. Let it be ok, that just for today, I worry about my future… because by tomorrow, when that future arrives, I’ll be ok.