When’s the last time you felt truly beautiful? With absolutely zero, ‘buts’ attached? You know what I’m talking about….the, ” these jeans look good BUT I wish my thighs were smaller “, “my makeup is perfect BUT I can still see that breakout”, or ,” I have a pretty face BUT I wish I were thinner”.
I’m sad to say my last butless ‘feeling myself’ moment was when I was 11 years old. I was dropped off at my friend’s birthday party and one of my classmates greeted me and immediately told me I looked really pretty. My cheeks burned with the compliment as a shyly thanked her…but for the rest of that night I felt a confidence like I had never known. I was wearing a grey t-shirt with a happy face on it (newly purchased from Suzy Shier), a pair of reliable blue jeans, and huge glasses lonnnnnng before huge glasses were trendy. Let’s just say, looking back, “really pretty ” isn’t how I’d describe my look!
Flash forward just one year to junior high…my glasses are gone, my jeans are more streamlined, and I’m doing my best to embrace the assets puberty has afforded me. Unfortunately, teenage girls can be awful. I can recall one particular heinous specimen teasing me for the way I pulled my sweater down over my butt in an attempt to conceal it. She even went so far as to impersonate my walk, sticking her backside out to get a laugh from her minions. I fired back a sarcastic retort and I don’t recall her ever bothering me again BUT the damage was done. 25 (God, I’m old) years later and any praise for my derriere is met with me quickly insisting it’s too large.
I can’t blame my faltered confidence on her, or even on one person in particular. It’s the culture that gets in our heads. The magazines, the models, the incessant diet ads and beauty tips…the not so subtly implied idea that fitting a mold equates to happiness. My husband always tells me I can’t take a compliment. My face screws up in disbelief, and I outrightly admonish him for saying such things. I never really thought about how sad that is until now…That the person whose opinion means the most to me in the world can’t erase doubts instilled by people I’ve never even met.
I’m issuing a challenge to myself to remember the little girl in this photo.The one who never hesitated to throw on a swimsuit, who loved her gymnastics leotards for their bright colors, who smiled with all her teeth showing, who only touched the bathroom scale when using it as a door stopper…the one who took compliments at face value and simply said “thank you”. I may have lived too much life to get back to her entirely, but I know I can embrace her spirit, and maybe even start to believe in myself the way that girl did.
The Zuf Truth 