The process of saying goodbye to someone you love never really ends. I was aware my father was terminally ill for years before he passed, and yet, once he was gone I felt as though so much remained unsaid. To help ease my mind I penned a letter that was buried with him. To be honest I can’t remember exactly what I said. I know that I apologized for all the times I had disappointed him and told him how scared I was of a future without him. Regardless of what I did say, I found some peace in knowing that, even if only for a moment, everything I had wanted to say had been said.
Although at times it feels like ages has passed since the end of my marriage, and so much has been hashed out at different points, there still remains an air of ‘unfinished business’. Perhaps after spending 10 years with someone, closure isn’t something that truly exists.
I find myself caught between two lives; my life and OUR life. I forget who I am without him. I constantly question my own self awareness. ‘Was that my favorite movie or was it ours?’ ‘Was that my plan for the future or his?’ Finding the answers has proven to be more difficult than you may think. I’m torn between being unable to articulate my thoughts at all, and having a million things I’d like to say. Though I wrestle with the idea constantly, reaching out to him would be selfish and unfair of me…and so, I’ll leave it all right here.
First of all, thank you for loving me in moments I didn’t love myself. Though that time has passed and you’ll never again see me in that light, it wasn’t wasted on me.
You know, probably better than anyone, that I’m not one of those fortunate souls who don’t believe in regret. That being said, I’m sorry for being the biggest let down of your life. Regardless of the reason and no matter the justification, the fact remains I broke your heart. I only wish you could understand that mine remains broken as well. There was never a time I thought this is where our relationship would end, and through the grief and anger, I too struggle to feel whole.
No matter where my life had led me, I refuse to walk a path of hate. I’ll continue to bare yours in silence and pray one day it ends. Should that day ever come, I’ll still be here with that same love I had in my heart over a decade ago. Forever changed, but forever enduring.
I’ve become accustomed to using this blog as a method of release. I let my thoughts flow freely, even when a situation I thought I understood becomes glaringly more honest on these pages. Rereading this frightens me. It pains me. I’m frightened of the misunderstanding that’s sure to follow… and I’m pained by the judgement that I’ve only just begun to endure.
The Zuf Truth 