Those of you who were married in the Catholic Church have had the privilege of attending the mandated MARRIAGE COURSE. By procrastinating to the absolute fullest, my husband and I nearly missed the registration for the very last course that would run prior to our fall wedding. With a firm shove from friends of ours who were also planning to register, a summer weekend was circled on the calendar and slotted for what we both felt was sure to be a waste of time. We had already dated for 5 years and lived together for over 2. What more could we possibly need to know about each other before tying the knot? Apparently plenty.
We cruised through the morning portion of the course, acing the compatibility quiz and answering in perfect unison when asked about our goals for the future. We didn’t have any hidden debt to confess to… No past indiscretions that needed to be shared… As a result, we were feeling pretty confident in our relationship by the time lunch rolled around. It wasn’t until they placed what appeared to be a simple multiple choice quiz in front of us that all that changed. “Identifying Your Love Language” it read….harmless enough. We both dove in, answering questions designed to determine what our partner does (or SHOULD do) to make us feel loved.
For those of you who have no clue what a love language is, let me explain. There are apparently five types of love languages ie.ways in which we give and receive love: gifts, quality time, words of affirmation, acts of service, and physical touch. A quick tally of our individual quizzes instantly revealed my future husband and I weren’t quite as in tune as we had thought. Clear as day, MY quiz indicated that my primary love language was ‘acts of service’ and a close second was ‘gifts’. Come on! Who doesn’t love gifts!? Survey says… MY HUSBAND. His primary love language was identified as ‘physical touch’, with ‘words of affirmation’ close on its heels. “What’s the big deal?” you may ask. Bigger than you may originally think! The most difficult part of not having the same I love language as your partner is the fact that it’s in our nature to show love the way we prefer to receive it. I was raised in a household where hunting up the perfect birthday gift was a month long ordeal, where a freshly made cherry cheesecake could mend a broken heart, and where sacrificing your time and energy to help someone spoke volumes louder than words ever could. Staring at that page, I felt as though a lightbulb had been switched on. I had been so fixated on how hurt I felt every time I had to tell him EXACTLY what I wanted for Christmas that I didn’t notice how running out the door without answering his, ”love you” was killing his ego. I was so caught up in being angry over him never cooking dinner that turning away from his welcome home kiss seemed reasonable. I was reacting to every hurt by dealing a blow of my own. I had officially been at war with the man I planned to spend the rest of my life with.
I didn’t marry the guy who brings me home surprise, ‘just thinking of you’ gifts. I didn’t marry the guy who wants to cook me my favorite meal when I’m feeling down…. But I DID marry the guy who tells me I’m beautiful every day. I did marry the guy who won’t go to sleep without a kiss goodnight. And, most importantly, I DID marry the guy who tells me he loves me no matter who happens to be listening.
So when I get upset or feel lonely believing that my husband isn’t thinking about me unless I’m in the same room, I focus on all the ways he does show me cares, and force myself to consider how much of that love gets lost in translation.
The Zuf Truth 